| in reverie |
[19 Mar 2009|12:33am] |
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i've realized i want more out of life than working all day and sleeping dreamlessly through the night.
i've realized i want more out of love than insecurity, trepidation and the habit of second guessing fucking everything.
i want a challenge, i want a rock.
the times are a-changing. they better be.
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[17 Dec 2008|02:08am] |
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everything everything everything sucks.
almost.
i have somewhat of a tan.
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[12 Oct 2008|04:03pm] |
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i've come to realize that the worst, most painful and tiring part of a relationship is that you sometimes leave your favorite cds at his place and forget to take them with you home.
well, that and the fact that you sometimes feel hurt, lonely, left out and unloved.
and to add insult to injury, i now have absolutely nothing to listen to whilst cleaning.
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[31 Aug 2008|11:28am] |
 sign of life. (i'm still just working and working, nothing of value to report) |
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[17 Jun 2008|12:10am] |
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music |
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love will tear us apart |
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i think it's funny how both of us seem to think of each other when we hear the song.
i'd hate to be the asshole optimist here again, but i don't think that it will.
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| bibliophilia |
[15 May 2008|01:23pm] |
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music |
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herbrightskies |
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it's funny how, the older i get, the more i treat the books i read like lovers.
and i really fucking love books.
"and when someone is all that patient, you have to feel grateful and then you have to hurt them. does that make sense?"
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| bye bye baby |
[10 May 2008|08:24am] |
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oh well stockholm, you can't say you didn't try.
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[04 May 2008|10:17pm] |
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so, my life is pretty much just centered around work these days, but this morning i got to wake up before my alarm went off, have lazy morning sex and eat fruit salad for breakfast.
this is what life should be like. always.
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[22 Apr 2008|01:03pm] |
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didn't someone once say that living well is the best revenge?
i can't say i agree 100% (because i've seen first-hand the devastating
effects of true vengence), but i'm starting to see what it really means.
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[03 Apr 2008|12:15am] |
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Dialling: Hanna Löhman
and i say this, not at all with a heavy heart -
Connecting: Hanna Löhman
people don't change
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| giving up hurts the most |
[28 Mar 2008|02:11pm] |
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i've been sitting with my back to the window for so long now, i can actually feel the outline of the shadow of the plant behind me, on my back. the sun has been beating down both yesterday and today. thankfully. it's been so cold these last weeks my muscles are all constantly tight, waiting for the next cold front.
i've been reading this book. this pretty anonymous book with painfully bland characters and lackluster language, and if it wasn't centered around the concept of loving and leaving i probably would have put it down just pages into it, but here i am - nose between the pages, caught between rooting for the betrayed ex husband and wondering if by the end of this year, i will hate myself or him. it's funny how even though i am genuinely happy, tragic love stories are the only ones that hit close to home. letting go of hope was by far the hardest part - by now i have gotten used to thinking about my future with him waiting on the sidelines, as a simple stand-in. because surely, no one can carry this weight for too long.
still, he never even blinks before placing a goodbye kiss on my lips - the very same lips he spends every waking hour pretending he doesn't love. i'd never hate him for it, but at times i wonder how he doesn't hate himself. but he doesn't blink and i.. i don't even open my eyes. anything to keep the rain away.
they say that good things come to those who wait, and i can't help but wonder how much the betrayal must sting in the seconds before the bomb detonates above our heads - the first thing you hear being the shatter of glass, helping you ignore how everything else shatters just seconds later. i've never had the heart to tell him, but when he tried to comfort me by telling me i have a heart of gold and that some day, it will pay off he almost broke my heart. imagine my surprise when i saw that the windows were still intact.
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[04 Mar 2008|07:12pm] |
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as of 3 days ago, i am 19 years of age.
thanks to all the peope who called or showed up to celebrate with me.
now, life goes on as per usual.
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| home is where the heart is |
[18 Feb 2008|03:01pm] |
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i guess i should have known by then. water soaking through my shoes, the sun reaching over the cliffs to the left but not quite hitting the water. it was a stupid "this could be the movies" scenario, early morning walk, staring across the creek like i've done a hundred times as a kid, and a thousand times since. i think there must be some part of me that's pseudo-romantic enough to want to love sitting by the ocean in the morning sun, but instead of calm and happy i felt bored and restless. there's no point in trying to fool myself - all of my attempts to find that hopelessly romantic side of me have failed miserably. i guess you can's fake something like that.
i didn't start to realize it until the other day. it was valentine's day, actually (but that's - believe it or not - beside the point) and i was walking through the streets of the city. it was cold and windy but the sun was shining down and this time it did hit the water in the canal - it was so bright it almost hurt my eyes. the streets were crowded as per usual and i stopped on the bridge just a block away from the backstreet where my life changed to drastically last summer. a moment of calm in the middle of rush hour and it hit me like a mac truck - this is my home. no matter how many times i leave this city, this will always be my home. there's nothing forced about the way i can't stop smiling here - i might have grown up an hour away in the surburbs, but these streets is where i've lived for the last five years of my life. this is where my heart is and honestly - how could i fake something like that?
we were lying naked in his bed yesterday and the curtains were blocking the light but i knew that the sun had been up for hours. i don't remember what we were talking about or if we were talking at all, but i was tracing his tattoos with my fingers when i heard him say that he's pretty happy.
"pretty".
i decided to not think about it, because the more i think the more i doubt him (don't look at me like that - optimists have the right to critical thinking, too. shut up) but he kissed me in the doorway as i was running to catch the last bus so i couldn't help but frown at myself.
i suppose i shouldn't be so hard on myself though, because i know that no matter how many times i question this, i always end up with the same answer and i guess critical thinking is a sign of health after all, because no matter how many sets of keys i have, home is always where the heart is.
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| high school slowdance |
[17 Jan 2008|07:58pm] |
 i'm starting to wonder where this is taking us.
and the outlook underneath it all is devastatingly bleak. |
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| old timer |
[30 Nov 2007|01:51am] |
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i just read my old diary, and i came across this piece of great penmanship, dated january 24th 2006;
"i wonder if the absence of my presence is as thick where you are as the presence of your absence is here.
pee in the brain"
you gotta love 15 year olds.
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| alone in november |
[13 Nov 2007|12:59pm] |
the snow has been falling in big, mushy blob-like flakes for most of the night and all day today. it's a welcome change of scenery. it makes me feel like hugging someone.
in other news; i miss my best friend to death. he's the one i usually share this with. the thought off him somewhere in asia (i don't know where he is.. thailand? vietnam? laos?), walking around without knowing how everything here is covered in white marshmallow fluff.. it breaks my heart a little.
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[05 Nov 2007|11:03pm] |
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myperiodisreallylateandidon'twanttotellhim.
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| i'm just talking about, you know, love. |
[29 Oct 2007|10:49pm] |
somehow, it's worse when he's asleep because that's when i can count the syllables of the big words i speak in a small voice, all the while searching for a pause in his breathing where i could actually breathe myself. a coward's confession - he doesn't even stir when i plant kisses on his forehead and detonate bombs like fireworks just above the headboard of the bed, but he frowns in his sleep. i'd know that frown anywhere - or well, i think i would - because it looks just like the one he never shows me when he's awake.and there's a single moment - the one where he shoves his hand in his pocket when i try to hold it - where the mock sincerity of the situation hits me like a brick to my throat, veins contracting, hands that were aching for warmth just seconds ago balling into cold fists. and i want to scream - scream about cowardice, wasted potential and how un-fucking-fair this is. yeah, i want to scream as i walk next to him in the morning rain, picking up my pace as i compliment him on fucking me over. i don't even flinch when i feel his arm around my waist because it's all so calculated - it's like pissing on a burn, you know, people say it's the best way to soothe the pain but honestly? it just feels cheap.
it's not fair, any of it, but that's nothing new.
i just hope this is easier on him.
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| laptop lazy and My Life So Far In So Many Words |
[24 Oct 2007|01:08am] |
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1:10 am, laptop in bed, live action broadcast update on what the fuck i'm actually doing with my life these days.
well, since i've had this sudden urge to inform the internet of precisely that, i guess it's nothing important, ey? well, we can't all be important all the time. let's get to it then!
we can start wíth what i did today. i spent most of the day cleaning up around the apartment, before i picked my little brother at school and left for class. every tuesday i study japanese for about two hours at a university downtown, and i'm paying a buttload of money for it. even though it's just one class per week the class demands a lot of time and effort, totalling to somewhere around 8 hours per week.lnd i can't say i don't enjoy it, it's nice to have something to do. anyway, after class i popped in at my friend axel's and we had dinner and watched house m.d. and some other swedish program about apes.
i guess today was a pretty good example of an average day in my life these days. i still don't have a fucking job, urgh. it's starting to bug the crap out of me, but i just can't find one that will give me enough hours, good pay, etc etc. i keep looking every week though, hoping i will find something and find it SOON. fingers crossed.
other things that keep me occupied these days are the same old same old (comic books, reading, videogames, movies etc) but also some (fairly new) additions like boyfriend, writing my book, and random fiddling on "projects" i come up with to keep myself occupied.
.. and it feels somewhat sad, but honestly i don't know if there's that much more to my life right now. wow. no wonder i feel uninspired. other than that i guess it's worth mentioning that my best friend and love fredrik has moved to asia for an undecided amount of time. this breaks my heart and hurts my brain. but i hope he's having the best time ever, and i'm trying to not feel like he abandoned me here all alooooneeeee. hah.
well, that was all, i guess.
over and out.
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[15 Oct 2007|08:52pm] |
in order for you to get to know me a teensy weensy bit better (and because this thing is lacking action lately), i will now explain the 5 interests ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) newmoons chose. atom bombs
it sounds macabre, i know, and i guess in a sense it is but war has been one of my greatest fascinations for as long as i can remember. it's not so much the actual fighting that intrigues me, it's more the psychology behind it and the impact it has on a community and those in it. this february i fulfilled one of my goals when i visited hiroshima and the a-bomb dome, one of the few buildings left standing in central hiroshima after the bombing in 1945. i went to this photo exhibition too, "approaching ground zero" by japanese photographer shigeo hayashi and i was like, holding my breath all the way through. it's.. eerie. "the atmosphere of a graveyard, a sunken ship, a battlefield". the place also had a collection of watches and clocks that had all stopped at 8:05 am. one of the most haunting things i have ever seen in my life, but it captivated me.
dancing (in public)i guess everyone who knows me probably already know that not only do i make a fool out of myself in public quite often, i also do not mind it and despite my 6 or so years of traditional dancing as a child/teen, i cannot dance for shit. hell yeah i have a sense of rhythm, i just.. cant.. get..my.. body.. to.. move.. with it. no matter how hard i try, it's a lost cause. but it still makes me happy, and that's all that matters, right? plus, if you dance in public, sometimes strangers will dance with you and that makes me feel warm inside :) dirt bikes
well, what girl doesn't love getting dirty straddling a powerful engine that says ROAAARR and will break your fucking ribs if you fall off it? wait, maybe that was BOYS? well, anyway..
mango body butter isn't life just about those trivial things, though? the small things that don't cost you much, but gives you a few minutes to just go "fuck, yeah!" and smile to yourself. one of the few weekday luxuries that i indulge in is taking a glob of mango body butter (or another, equally rich and creamy body lotion) and rubbing myself up, haha. "it puts the lotion on its skin", right? no, when it comes to skincare i am very picky and need to make sure that it is vegan, not tested on animals and actually GOOD for your skin. that's why i shop exclusively at lush handmade cosmetics. it's vegan, organic and 100% cruelty free! love it.
unsent letters
as a person with a knack for not finishing what i started, i guess the concept of unsent letters just hit close to home. i remember i used to be a member of several communities dedicated to them, and there's just such.. raw emotion in those pieces of history that you, for one reason or the other, failed to send. like unspoken truths, or a messenger dove that has been shot down, if you will. but i guess that over time, i grew out of being a coward, and nowadays i tend to actually send the letters i write, so that the truth can hit someone else in the ribs like it's done with me so many times before. they're still powerful though, those wasted words. |
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